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English / 04.02.2020 / 1481

The thought of eternal life

Nikolay Mokhov, author from the Dark Side of Business

Neuroscientists say that the bigger the brain, the longer a mammal lives. And there is also a commonplace observation: people who are engaged in research, teaching, and theoretical science live long. You can count straight from Plato, who died at the age of eighty. His colleague Newton at 84, Mendeleev at 72, Einstein at 76, physicist Niels Bohr at 77, and so on. And the other day I was walking around Cyprus with a PhD, so she told me:

— And we also had a professor, who came to the department at ninety-five and said that he was tired and would work from home... But of course his brain is crystal clear. He thinks very clearly.

Maybe scientists have some kind of particularly healthy lifestyle? Yeah, very funny. Think of Sigmund Freud, the cocaine evangelist who died of morphine, and the author of an immortal statement:

— Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

To what age did the founder of psychoanalysis live? Up to eighty-three years old, any encyclopedia will tell you. And he died of his own free will — the cocaine addict took morphine. So he had cancer, right? They almost removed his jaw, didn't they? Removed. But let's separate two concepts: long life and health. At least, for starters. It's a good thing to note that health and the absence of diseases are also two different things. But that's a thought from another story, not yet written. Let's talk about longevity for now.

Innocent pranks, unlike new-fashioned biohacking, do extend life

— I check my body every year. I pass all the necessary tests. Also, what do you think about biohacking? — asks another nouveau riche. The guy made a lot of money, and immediately he had a strong desire to save progress — stay as healthy and rich. People like him throw spears of advice at the topic of a long life:

— You should only eat raw meat!

— Don't eat meat! Only vegetables!

— You should starve once every three months.

— Do not starve, rather eat less every day. No more than a thousand calories a day!

— It's not about the food, it's about the place, where you live. Have you heard of green zones?

— Don't eat fat!

— Fat is good. Scientists have found out. There's good cholesterol, and there's a harmful one!

— I have special vitamins. And throw away any food waste!

— We should stay out in the cold a little longer. The English are accustomed to the cold from childhood!

I like to have conversations with biohackers in Cypriot taverns. I enjoy a fat slice of pizza with four kinds of cheese during the conversation. I wash it down with black sweet (no medium, only sweet) coffee. And then I ask for a glass of cognac and light a cigarette. And you should order pizza when you meet with biohackers, too. Some "health nuts" can't stand it and grab a slice. They consume it with a sense of shame about the carbs they get. And of course, they think you're a tempting snake:

— Take a bite of the pizza of knowledge! You'll understand what good and evil are...



Rule of the Weakest

A dense leader confident in their authority likes to give out orders.

“Because I said so!” the strongman loudly exclaims.

The leader of the 1917 Russian Revolution, comrade Trotsky, called all the shots himself. He did it to show that he was the master of life and death. Trotsky was outsmarted by comrade Stalin.

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Dentist's Spartakiade. Or the life of Spartacus

— I used to run like a wolf! I looked at everything in a skirt. And now?.. — says Sparta-cus — a strong man in his 60s.

— The computer is frozen — I can't do an X-ray. Let's go for a smoke, — Spartacus is the dentist of dreams. Even in the middle of treatment, he can offer a smoke break on his balcony, the way to which is through the hallway with a shelving unit. On the shelves are Soviet books on dentistry with new-fashioned magazines...

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The Teacher's Label

A fat writer Dima Bykov in poor health with his head held high has distinguished himself. He has decided to rank in descending order the passed away colleagues. Some of them has been ranked first, others take second and even third places. Sergei Dovlatov has been taken down a peg next to his classmates. The teacher Bykov gave him a satisfactory grade. He even didn’t hide that he wanted to give him a poor grade.

Dima Bykov has unleashed a war on social media by his ranking. Somebody noticed that the teacher is not good even at his own domain. Someone replied that he have been aware of Dovlatov’s bad marks... I was astonished by the desire to make value judgements about literature and even the literary characters. This approach reeks of the judgments of school teachers. It's not the most pleasant aroma...

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In the times of Father

My father played a mean joke on me. Our discussions, though rare, always left me in a state of slight to heavy confusion. For example, when I was five years old, he told me: “A man could never imagine two things: infinity and eternity”. My mind, young and inquisitive as it was, decided to test that statement. I sat down in my room and tried to imagine the supposedly unimaginable entities. This led to intense drooling.

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