English / 26.03.2020 / 1683

Dentist's Spartakiade. Or the life of Spartacus

Nikolay Mokhov, author from the Dark Side of Business

— I used to run like a wolf! I looked at everything in a skirt. And now?.. — says Sparta-cus — a strong man in his 60s.

— The computer is frozen — I can't do an X-ray. Let's go for a smoke, — Spartacus is the dentist of dreams. Even in the middle of treatment, he can offer a smoke break on his balcony, the way to which is through the hallway with a shelving unit. On the shelves are Soviet books on dentistry with new-fashioned magazines...

The balcony is small, hardly accommodates an armchair and a table with an ashtray. The view is on the dusty supermarket parking lot...

— ...That's what I tell her: when a man has an affair, it's a situation! And when a woman has it — it's whoring. So why do you confuse whoring with the situation?... Oh, men, women — are such a thing. As they say, the hair from the pussy will sink any barge (fem-inists are asked not to read any further, and it was not worth reading before)…

If my parents called me Igor, I'd sit at home. But they named Spartacus. All life is an ad-venture…

While Spartacus is telling the stories, I remember the plastic clinics in Moscow that are obsessed with service but have forgotten about humanity. The weary doctors there didn't know the names of the patients. They were only interested in speed — to serve as quickly as possible. And in a receipt from the cash register. Spartacus treats patients as human beings, not as units in the business plan...

— I couldn't sleep for shit, — says the doctor.

— Why is that?

— At two o'clock in the morning, the patient woke up... The pain, he said, is wild. Yelling. Well, what should I do? I had to go and prepare my tools.

— Have you cured?

— Yes. But then I couldn't sleep…

Muscovites, having visited Cyprus, often complain about the lack of service. Well, let them try to wake up their dentist at two in the morning... And have him do the surgery af-ter that. No. That's only possible in our Cypriot village...

— The cops put me and my friend in jail, — says Spartacus, another story from his time as a jeweler. — And my friend had long hair, he hid a pencil behind his ear — during the search, the cops did not notice. They put them in jail on Friday. Two days off ahead — nothing to do.

Oleg, a friend of Spartacus, took up painting Jesus on the wall. Then there was the virgin Mary. Spartacus helped. The paintings came out all over the wall.

Then comes a Monday. The cops are coming:

— Who did this?

— God from above... Who-who? Who was sitting here?

The guard left to consult with his superiors. Eventually they gathered a council and called the metropolitan. The church representative silently examined the artists' work... An hour later, a comrade in uniform commands:

— Gather your things and go!

They let the artists out, giving them a farewell parting:

— Get the fuck out of here. And take the metropolitan's card.

The metropolitan wanted a silver prayer scroll...

Rule of the Weakest

A dense leader confident in their authority likes to give out orders.

“Because I said so!” the strongman loudly exclaims.

The leader of the 1917 Russian Revolution, comrade Trotsky, called all the shots himself. He did it to show that he was the master of life and death. Trotsky was outsmarted by comrade Stalin.


How to feel the energy?

- I feel on top of the world... I'm so excited! Like I'm in love! I'm in the flow! This is energy, isn't it?

How do you answer this question? I do not even know... Oh, I've just remembered a story about this! A young man made a million, lets say dollars. So he decides to celebrate. He goes out to restaurants and clubs throwing money around like confetti and stuffing cash down girls' underwear. He is in the zone, and he invests the rest of the money in a new business. So he asks in the middle of the party...


Where do we store the energy?

— How do you gather the energy?" - readers have been asking this question for four years. And recently we couldn't stand it and responded with a little sarcasm:

- Excuse me, but where are you going to store it? — we wrote in the chat.

"Mmmmm..." the person responded. And then we gave in to memories and fantasies:

— There was an article somewhere... Something about an energy piggy bank… Maybe an energy bath?...


Vampires True and False

“How can I tell if my girlfriend is an energy vampire?” this wonderful question appeared in the Dark Side’s chat recently.

I can picture it vividly. The reader, having carefully whittled their wooden stake, is preparing to strike down their new lover. I suggest they put down their weapon, restore the cloves of garlic to the kitchen cabinet, and get that silver bullet melted down. Maybe it could make a nice pendant for the “vampiress”…


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