English / 02.03.2020 / 2203
He stumbled over a crisis, stupidity, and marriage. He stumbled, he got married. When he got married, he fell on the couch
— And the girl has become an adult! — Zemfira yelled from the speakers of old foreign cars. Our hero, Danila, was listening to music from other spheres on a lumpy couch. His wife was playing Johann Sebastian Bach's Requiem on his strained nerves.
— Why are you lying like this? You have to get a job! Masha, my friend, has a husband who works as a programmer. He goes to the office like a white man. Do you know how much he gets?
Danila was silent. By the age of twenty-five, he had reached everything. He owned a nightclub. When he asked a girl out, he invited her to his own club. And he'd make fantastic $300 a week — a little more and he'd be rich as Rockefeller. He stumbled over a crisis, stupidity, and marriage. He stumbled, he got married. When he got married, he fell on the couch. No club. No sex with models. No $300 a week.
— I'll make a programmer out of you! Hillary made Clinton President...
— And Monica Lewinsky made a joke out of him...
— It doesn't matter. Hillary made Bill president, and I'm gonna make a programmer out of you!
Her wife's seriousness and the severity of her gaze made Danya leaf through the newspaper with vacancies. As he flipped through the pages, he thought: whether he is a trembling creature, or whether he has the sacred right to flog his wife properly with a soldier's belt?
— Look, I've found it all! Read it! — the wife showed up in the kitchen. The storm broke, the dark kingdom came without a ray of hope.
— A system administrator is required... — was sluggishly reading Danya.
— Well, what did I say? Is required. Well, then it is. Why are you sitting there? Call before they cut our phone off.
With his fingers tangled in the buttons, Danya dialed. Confusing words due to racing thoughts, he made an appointment. He sighed and fell.
— Somebody's waited by a railway station, somebody's waited at home... — was coming from the open window. Zemfira was a year younger than Danya, and already a star. And he's unemployed. The achievements of one-year-olds at times like this is particularly offensive.
— Did you do any programming? — strictly asked the sexy HR manager.
They used to call them "personnel officer" and they looked in keeping with the title. Women in their 40s with complicated destinies. Now they're called fancy English words and Danya saw a girl in a narrow skirt, a transparent blouse... Stand down! In the man's head, his wife's voice rang out. The ghost of libido was gone.
— Yes, I was programming. I even wrote a few programs — Danya didn't lie. He was exaggerating a bit. One day he ordered the techies who were hanging out at his club to write an accounting program. He also played Doom. That was the end of his introduction to computer science.
— Maybe you speak English? — the interlocutor continued to torment with questions.
— Nice, — Danya picked up the answer from his thesaurus, three English words in length.
His fingers were freezing from the cold. Gauntlets over the gloves, winter boots… None of this protected him from the harsh wind. The arctic ocean is nearby. Is that where the wind is blowing from?
— Brasileiro, why did you get distracted? Hook it up... — commanded the crew chief. He was making sure that the workers were quick at hanging the fish to dry.
Brasileiro looked at the cod with hatred. Cod, cod, cod... Those who never lived in northern Europe would not understand the significance of this fish. It would be shocking to find out that in the second half of the 20th century, there were three times when Iceland was ready to start a war with England over codfish.
There are hallucinations that we join in on. And there are those that we walk past. And there are people who hallucinate, but don’t want to share their world — we call them schizophrenics. Schizophrenics are outsiders in our hallucinogenic world. We’re not going to talk about them today. We’re going to talk about the leaders of the hallucinogenic world.Read more...
The cause of the Great Depression is commonly considered to be an overproduction crisis. I disagree. In my view, the reason for the Great Depression was as follows: the technological landscape changed, but the people were not prepared for it mentally. There was a disconnect between what the people were used to and the new world. Read the history of the First World War. You will see: at first, everyone thought that it would last a couple months. People were used to waging war a certain way. Then, the English had to face the reality that world had changed…Read more...
A fat writer Dima Bykov in poor health with his head held high has distinguished himself. He has decided to rank in descending order the passed away colleagues. Some of them has been ranked first, others take second and even third places. Sergei Dovlatov has been taken down a peg next to his classmates. The teacher Bykov gave him a satisfactory grade. He even didn’t hide that he wanted to give him a poor grade.
Dima Bykov has unleashed a war on social media by his ranking. Somebody noticed that the teacher is not good even at his own domain. Someone replied that he have been aware of Dovlatov’s bad marks... I was astonished by the desire to make value judgements about literature and even the literary characters. This approach reeks of the judgments of school teachers. It's not the most pleasant aroma...